This is whacked out even for Tucker Carlson

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The M&M is a strange and wondrous thing. Not only have these luscious snacks been a home staple in many homes for years and years, but they also have unique abilities one simply doesn’t find every day.

One of the said abilities just reared its head. The M&M got inside the head of one Tucker Carlson, causing him to spiral out of control in a not-so-sweet rant that simultaneously left people bewildered, horrified, and deeply amused.

The candy-coated drama started with M&M changing things up for their M&M characters. What they did was branch out to become more “inclusive.” They decided to rebrand a bit.

Brown M&M will now be wearing heels (kitten heels) while Green will be in sneakers. How lovely! This is not a story that anyone would think would get political, right? Only for Tucker Carlson, it did. In one of the most deranged and incoherent melt-downs yet, the little tyrant lost it.

Carlson appeared infuriated that M&M would dare to make any changes. Ranting shrilly, Tucker declared M&M was now “less sexy.” No, this is not fiction, readers. This actually happened.

“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any of them,” yelled the Tucker menace.

“That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity. They won.”

Here is what Tucker said about the orange M&M: “Maybe he doesn’t like all the ugly new shoes he sees around him. Maybe he liked the sexy boots. Maybe the range M&M is a secret sexist himself.”

The thrill is gone. The love connection has ended –for Tucker anyway. It appears the Tucker has completely melted down over the delicious candy. M&M is living rent-free in whatever the thing that should be Tucker’s brain actually is.

I have a few questions. Now that Tucker and M&M have “broken up,” what will Tucker do to about his M&M loneliness?

What about Peppermint Patty? There is also Kit-Kat. They could be good alternatives for Tucker. I personally think Tucker should go for the Mars bar because that’s what Tucker sounded like in his unhinged and deeply concerning rant — an alien.

Tucker’s “M&M” rant has reverberated all across the country as bewildered humans struggle to understand just why thousands of people actually watch this guy on a nightly basis.

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