CPAC is a complete dumpster fire

Suppose you wanted to hold a political asshole convention. Why would you want to do such a thing? Don’t laugh – even if you wouldn’t, there are others who do, so read on. If you held one, you would certainly want to advertise it as “the largest and most influential gathering” of a-holes in the world!

How could you back up such a claim? By publicizing the a-holes you’ve lined up to speak, a veritable Who’s Who of Who’s Not Worth Listening To. It would greatly enhance your status to attract big name a-holes — politicians and their political hacks like Donald Trump, Stephen Miller, Marsha Blackburn, Andy Biggs, Lauren Boebert, Mo Brooks, Doug Collins, Ronny Jackson, Madison Cawthorn, Jody Hice, Devin Nunes, Richard Grenell, Matthew Whitaker, and Pam Bondi.

If you hold it in a state renowned for its a-holes in power, like Texas, you could attract the likes of Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick and Attorney General Ken Paxton (he of the Big Lie Lawsuit that espoused the truly conservative principle that if you don’t like the way other states voted, sue to cancel their votes).

How about ginning up some free publicity by inviting media a-holes like Candace Owens, Dana Loesch, Glenn Beck, and Kurt Schlichter? And for a utility a-hole, you can’t beat Don Jr. – he can do it all!

For safety’s sake, you have to spread the speakers out – no, not social distancing to protect public health (who needs that?) — but to schedule them over several days, so they’re not all gathered in the same place at once, as a critical mass of such potent assholery could rip open a seam in the space-time continuum.

Now, for some comic relief, try to convince the public that your “hole-istic” approach to politics – devoid of actual policies, but long on manufactured “culture wars,” gaslighting, and projection — is America’s best hope for the future.

If this is all too much for you to take on, don’t worry — Matt Schlapp of the Certified Political Asshole Conference (CPAC) has already done it, and it is happening right now, in a great American city that may temporarily be renamed Dall-ass for the duration of CPAC 2021.

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