The “oranges” of Trump’s tariff fixation
Once upon a time, in a land of Fantasy and Greed, a demented king called upon his son-in-law to find out about China. The son-in-law, who was lazy and stupid, went to the world’s greatest oracle to learn about China. He browsed Amazon.com. There he discovered a book about the wisdom of imposing tariffs on China. The book was by a brilliant and world famous economist. We know the economist was brilliant and world famous because he said so.
The brilliant and world famous economist quoted at length an even more brilliant and world famous economist to prove his point. His point was this: tariffs are a good thing, especially when used against China. They would give great advantage, and make the tariff user famous and beloved throughout the land of Fantasy and Greed. The son-in-law knew all this not because he actually read the book, but because he read the Amazon blurb about the book, written by the author.
The son-in-law excitedly reported his findings about the book to the king. The king didn’t read the book either, but he believed everything the son-in-law said about the book because, like his son-in-law, the king was also lazy and stupid. Lo, the king made tariffs throughout the land, and the people groaned and hated him.
The king, of course, was Donald Trump. The son-in-law was Jared Kushner. The book was called “Death by China.” The brilliant and world famous economist who wrote the book was Peter Navarro. The brilliant and world famous economist that Peter Navarro quoted was Ron Vara. “Ron Vara” is an anagram of “Navarro.”
In other words, the book is a gimcrack piece of enthusiastic bullshit. It was written by a man who is out of his ever-loving mind, quoting himself. The book’s stupid advice is being followed obsessively by Trump.
And now you know, brothers and sisters, the oranges, excuse me, the origins of convicted felon Donald Trump’s lunatic obsession with tariffs. Now you know why we’re in the magnificent world of shit we’re currently in, and the nefarious, offhand, ridiculous reason it became Trump’s obsession.
And tariffs make Trump feel powerful. They do for him what he loves to do, punish people and nations on a grand scale because his father never showed him love, because he has tiny hands and a tiny penis, because he’s plagued by feelings of inadequacy, because he loves to do what he loves most: hurt lots of people, make money and play golf.
Tariffs could also be Trump’s Reichstag Fire, his pretext for going to Congress and demanding more power, much the way Trump’s hero, Adolf Hitler, went to Germany’s Reichstag to demand “emergency powers” because a lunatic burned Germany’s Parliament — the Reichstag building — to the ground.
Trump will claim he needs more power to get out of the mess we are in, a mess that he created, all because of a book written by a moron quoting himself, discovered during an idle fifteen minutes by a lazy and stupid son-in-law. Such are the times in which we live.
Robert Harrington is an American expat living in Britain. He is a portrait painter.