Ted Cruz has found a whole new way to creep me out

Congratulations, Ted Cruz, you’ve managed to do two things that I didn’t think were possible during your CPAC speech this week. First, for the only time in your pathologically lying life, you said something that was factually accurate. Second, in so doing, you found a whole new way to creep me out, because even though you’re the creepiest alien creature in politics, I never realized until now just how thoroughly you don’t get the human race.

Cruz used his speech to proclaim that every member of The Simpsons family is a conservative Republican, except for Lisa Simpson, who is a liberal Democrat. If you go through the psychology of the characters, you realize he’s right about this. Homer Simpson means well but he’s a loser and an idiot who constantly does harm to everyone around him – precisely the kind of rube who gets suckered into every shiny lie that conservatism offers. Marge knows better, but she tragically defers to her idiot husband because he’s a man – a reminder that sexism is the law for conservatives. Bart is a selfish miscreant with no redeeming qualities, except for the instances in which he realizes too late that his conservative instincts are monstrous.

In fact that’s the entire point of the show. These characters are only entertaining because they’ve been written to comically and accurately depict everything that’s wrong with conservatism. We only enjoy the Simpsons because they’re fictional characters; if these morons were our neighbors, we’d move. Lisa Simpson is a spot-on depiction of what happens when someone with solid liberal instincts is raised in a pathetically conservative household. She’s the only one who ever gets it, but she often thinks she’s the only one who doesn’t get it. Her confused responses to her family’s constant wrong-headedness are a reminder of how difficult it is to grow up when you’re a normal person in a conservative household.

The average conservative Republican is is a sucker like Homer, or a deferrer like Marge, or a bottom feeder like Bart. Most conservatives don’t realize that they themselves are either crap people, or they’re being held back by the crap people they think they’re supposed to bow down to. Ted Cruz on the other hand is the rare conservative who’s so far removed from the human race, he looks at the Simpsons and accurately sees them for the comically tragic conservative characters they are, yet he thinks their most pathetic traits are what make them great Americans. In Cruz’s profoundly broken mind, the only problem is the one person in the family with morals and merits.

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Bill Palmer is the publisher of the political news outlet Palmer Report